I probably feel too much

Empathy or the ability to really feel what another is going through is something I really have a gift for.  I've always struggled with and have been gifted with intense empathy.  I can vicariously experience another person's emotions. 

But the real question is, is it a gift? Or is it a curse?

Overexcitabilties are defined as "inborn intensities indicating a heightened ability to respond to stimuli" (sengifted.org). They are very present in gifted children and adults. There are different types of overexcitabilities. The one I seem to suffer from is called an emotional overexcitability. Feelings are not simply feelings but instead extremely intense to these individuals. According to sengifted.org "it is reflected in heightened, intense feelings, extremes of complex emotions, identification with others’ feelings, and strong affective expression (Piechowski, 1991).  According to one interesting article from thegiftedway.com, adults with intense sensitivity encounter have an amazing gift, but feel isolated. "On the negative side, these gifted adults may not understand that others do not feel so deeply or intensely or that others may have different priorities. They may be very intolerant of the needs of others when they perceive those needs to be superficial."

As a child I remember being so concerned with the feelings of others, even things that didn't have feelings.  I used to cry over killing bugs.  I would feel immense guilt over killing some random bug.  I felt that I had no right to take another life.  What if this bug didn't live it's life to the fullest?  What if I stole it's life before it had completed it's purpose?  Think of how scared and painful it was to die in such a meaningless way and by some giant.  It sounds like a horrible overreaction but I remember it vividly.  Even today I have a really hard time listening to stories of mothers murdering their children in explicit detail.  It just pangs me.  So in order to preserve myself, I try to limit my exposure to these sorts of stories.

So yes, I often feel intensely.  I feel too much - too much sorrow, too much love, too much grief.  Everything is an overwhelming amount of feeling.  I can't feel blandly.  My feelings are far from shallow.  Instead I'm intense, fervid,  and passionate.  I love with my whole heart - putting myself into it as deep as I can.  Sadness is something I can more than just feel, but somehow I can see the hues of sadness, and hear it's cry inside myself.  Usually my intensity can be quite overwhelming to others.  I'm intense and other people really can't handle it a lot of the time.  The rational side of me is completely aware of how illogical it is to feel with your entire heart but I can't seem to convince myself otherwise.  With this I really have a knack for picking up on others' emotions.  They may say with their words what they are thinking and feeling, but I look past their words and can intuitively grasp what is beneath the surface. 



Do you relate to any of the other four overexcitabilities?

Psychomotor OE is a heightened excitability of the neuromuscular system. This Psychomotor intensity includes a “capacity for being active and energetic” (Piechowski, 1991, p. 287), love of movement for its own sake, surplus of energy demonstrated by rapid speech, zealous enthusiasm, intense physical activity, and a need for action (Dabrowski & Piechowski, 1977; Piechowski, 1979, 1991) - See more at: http://www.sengifted.org/archives/articles/overexcitability-and-the-gifted#sthash.6v7XoUdt.dpuf

Psychomotor OE is a heightened excitability of the neuromuscular system. This Psychomotor intensity includes a “capacity for being active and energetic” (Piechowski, 1991, p. 287), love of movement for its own sake, surplus of energy demonstrated by rapid speech, zealous enthusiasm, intense physical activity, and a need for action (Dabrowski & Piechowski, 1977; Piechowski, 1979, 1991) - See more at: http://www.sengifted.org/archives/articles/overexcitability-and-the-gifted#sthash.6v7XoUdt.dpuf

Psychomotor OE is a heightened excitability of the neuromuscular system. This Psychomotor intensity includes a “capacity for being active and energetic” (Piechowski, 1991, p. 287), love of movement for its own sake, surplus of energy demonstrated by rapid speech, zealous enthusiasm, intense physical activity, and a need for action (Dabrowski & Piechowski, 1977; Piechowski, 1979, 1991) - See more at: http://www.sengifted.org/archives/articles/overexcitability-and-the-gifted#sthash.6v7XoUdt.dpuf

Psychomotor OE is a heightened excitability of the neuromuscular system. This Psychomotor intensity includes a “capacity for being active and energetic” (Piechowski, 1991, p. 287), love of movement for its own sake, surplus of energy demonstrated by rapid speech, zealous enthusiasm, intense physical activity, and a need for action (Dabrowski & Piechowski, 1977; Piechowski, 1979, 1991) - See more at: http://www.sengifted.org/archives/articles/overexcitability-and-the-gifted#sthash.6v7XoUdt.dpuf

Psychomotor OE is a heightened excitability of the neuromuscular system. This Psychomotor intensity includes a “capacity for being active and energetic” (Piechowski, 1991, p. 287), love of movement for its own sake, surplus of energy demonstrated by rapid speech, zealous enthusiasm, intense physical activity, and a need for action (Dabrowski & Piechowski, 1977; Piechowski, 1979, 1991) - See more at: http://www.sengifted.org/archives/articles/overexcitability-and-the-gifted#sthash.6v7XoUdt.dpuf

Psychomotor OE is a heightened excitability of the neuromuscular system. This Psychomotor intensity includes a “capacity for being active and energetic” (Piechowski, 1991, p. 287), love of movement for its own sake, surplus of energy demonstrated by rapid speech, zealous enthusiasm, intense physical activity, and a need for action (Dabrowski & Piechowski, 1977; Piechowski, 1979, 1991) - See more at: http://www.sengifted.org/archives/articles/overexcitability-and-the-gifted#sthash.6v7XoUdt.dpuf

Psychomotor OE is a heightened excitability of the neuromuscular system. This Psychomotor intensity includes a “capacity for being active and energetic” (Piechowski, 1991, p. 287), love of movement for its own sake, surplus of energy demonstrated by rapid speech, zealous enthusiasm, intense physical activity, and a need for action (Dabrowski & Piechowski, 1977; Piechowski, 1979, 1991) - See more at: http://www.sengifted.org/archives/articles/overexcitability-and-the-gifted#sthash.6v7XoUdt.dpuf

Psychomotor OE is a heightened excitability of the neuromuscular system. This Psychomotor intensity includes a “capacity for being active and energetic” (Piechowski, 1991, p. 287), love of movement for its own sake, surplus of energy demonstrated by rapid speech, zealous enthusiasm, intense physical activity, and a need for action (Dabrowski & Piechowski, 1977; Piechowski, 1979, 1991) - See more at: http://www.sengifted.org/archives/articles/overexcitability-and-the-gifted#sthash.6v7XoUdt.dpuf

Psychomotor OE is a heightened excitability of the neuromuscular system. This Psychomotor intensity includes a “capacity for being active and energetic” (Piechowski, 1991, p. 287), love of movement for its own sake, surplus of energy demonstrated by rapid speech, zealous enthusiasm, intense physical activity, and a need for action (Dabrowski & Piechowski, 1977; Piechowski, 1979, 1991) - See more at: http://www.sengifted.org/archives/articles/overexcitability-and-the-gifted#sthash.6v7XoUdt.dpuf

Psychomotor OE is a heightened excitability of the neuromuscular system. This Psychomotor intensity includes a “capacity for being active and energetic” (Piechowski, 1991, p. 287), love of movement for its own sake, surplus of energy demonstrated by rapid speech, zealous enthusiasm, intense physical activity, and a need for action (Dabrowski & Piechowski, 1977; Piechowski, 1979, 1991) - See more at: http://www.sengifted.org/archives/articles/overexcitability-and-the-gifted#sthash.6v7XoUdt.dpuf

Psychomotor OE is a heightened excitability of the neuromuscular system. This Psychomotor intensity includes a “capacity for being active and energetic” (Piechowski, 1991, p. 287), love of movement for its own sake, surplus of energy demonstrated by rapid speech, zealous enthusiasm, intense physical activity, and a need for action.

Sensual OE is expressed as a heightened experience of sensual pleasure or displeasure emanating from sight, smell, touch, taste, and hearing (Dabrowski & Piechowski, 1977; Piechowski, 1979, 1991).

Intellectual OE is demonstrated by a marked need to seek understanding and truth, to gain knowledge, and to analyze and synthesize (Dabrowski & Piechowski, 1977; Piechowski, 1979, 1991).   

Imaginational OE reflects a heightened play of the imagination with rich association of images and impressions, frequent use of image and metaphor, facility for invention and fantasy, detailed visualization, and elaborate dreams (Dabrowski & Piechowski, 1977; Piechowski, 1979, 1991)

tor OE is a heightened excitability of the neuromuscular system. This Psychomotor intensity includes a “capacity for being active and energetic” (Piechowski, 1991, p. 287), love of movement for its own sake, surplus of energy demonstrated by rapid speech, zealous enthusiasm, intense physical activity, and a need for action - See more at: http://www.sengifted.org/archives/articles/overexcitability-and-the-gifted#sthash.6v7XoUdt.dpuf

Psychomotor OE is a heightened excitability of the neuromuscular system. This Psychomotor intensity includes a “capacity for being active and energetic” (Piechowski, 1991, p. 287), love of movement for its own sake, surplus of energy demonstrated by rapid speech, zealous enthusiasm, intense physical activity, and a need for action (Dabrowski & Piechowski, 1977; Piechowski, 1979, 1991) - See more at: http://www.sengifted.org/archives/articles/overexcitability-and-the-gifted#sthash.6v7XoUdt.dpuf

My new book

Many of you know that I just graduated with my bachelor's degree in psychology. I want to study psychology on a graduate level. Regardless of whether or not a graduate school lets me in it not, I will keep studying and learning because psychology is more than a degree, check-marks on a page to get a paper on a wall, but is a real passion of mine. This is my new book and I can't seem to put it down.

Already I am 50 pages into it and I'm discovering some awesome things. One thing I found astonishing is that the most creative individuals had certain personality traits that I did not expect. A study discussed in this book looked at 3 different populations of architects. One of which were nominated by other professionals as being the most creative, those who had worked under creative architects, and a group chosen at random. They had these individuals take creativity tests and personality tests. The first group, the one's nominated by professionals, scored the highest in creativity, followed by the one's who worked under creative architects, and then the random sample. What I found the most surprising involved personality dimensions of "strong, willful, self-confident, controlling, and self-centered" were associated with the highly creative group. I consider myself creative but do not relate to these traits. The second group recieved intermediate scores but their personality traits were less dominant, highly prone to emotional conflict, a conflicting desire to control as well as be controlled, and exhibited the highest levels of anxiety. I tend to relate to this group. I didn't realize how much self-confidence and self-centeredness would be related to creativity. But really, I guess going against the mainstream would require a great deal of confidence. To go with such divergent thoughts confidently would probably require a certain amount self-centeredness.  I'm already fascinated with this book and I'm only 1 chapter in. 

I probably like you too much

So when I first met you, I was probably faced with this dilemma.  

I have a problem with moderation.

 

And if you're reading this, you are probably one of the ones I like too much.  

 I have a problems of extremes.  I seem to become obsessed with things.  

So if I liked you - I probably wanted to do this to you.

 

And because I'm awkward, anytime you feel sad I will want to do this.

 

I often compare my affection for people as an excited Labrador puppy.   I get so excited when I like someone that I will leave my trail of slobber on their pants.  In doing this I am saying in a cute puppy voice, "please love me back, oh please, oh please!"    And if they demonstrate even one ounce of reciprocating eagerness I will I love them so much that I will practically hump their leg in giddy elation.

Food

Food is so very embedded in our culture as something to both love and loathe.  Being an individual who lost a great deal of weight, I am often confronted with this dichotomy.  Do I try to eat "healthy" foods while avoiding the "unhealthy" ones?  Or do I simply try to achieve a balance and never label anything as bad or good?  I strive for the latter but am often confronted with guilt and trying to separate emotion from my food choices.  I am bombarded by the "health culture" that surrounds diet websites and the norm to hate yourself because you may have some squish. 

 On that note, I made pizza last night and this is how I feel about eating my pizza

This blog

I am starting this blog as a way to actually put some of my thoughts out there, for anyone who may want to read them.  The picture above was labelled, "inner growth."  That's why I'm starting this.  I am constantly attempting to go forward, to grow, to learn, and become my anticipated future self.  I started this blog in order to write down and actually allow some visibility to those around me, unlike a private journal or diary.  So if you do get to read this, hello and welcome to my inner random world.  I hope you enjoy it.